Speak Up, Ladies

Have you ever replayed in your head something that just happened to you after you left a person or place? And then, what you wish you could have said? How you wish you responded? I have. When someone was rude to me, when someone confessed to liking me, when someone totally ignored me, and many more times, I have replayed the scene in my head. For some of my life, I was an observer. And for just about all of my life, I suppressed my feelings. So much so that now as an adult, I am still learning to understand my feelings. I do not really know when I am tired because I always push myself to go past my comfort zone in life. I hate to see loved ones beg; so, I often give or lend without counting the cost of whether I needed whatever they asked for more than they did. I built a wall around my needs and wants. Now, they’re crying out against me. My uncatered-to needs and wants have gotten so high over my wall that I cannot ignore them anymore. So, I must go from being Ms. Helpful Robot to Ms. I Love Myself.

I realized that no matter how much I claim to love myself, my needs and wants show me I do not. The fact that I always meet others’ needs before mine is proof that I do not really care about myself. When I had my child, two older female relatives with multiple kids and decades of raising-children-experience just about nagged me to feed myself before I fed my child. I thought it was inhumane. “No,” I said. “I can’t have my baby be hungry for more than a minute.” They asked me how I could produce good enough milk and have the strength to take care of my child if I always put him before myself. It made no sense then, but it makes sense now.

How can I teach my child to love himself and take care of himself if he does not observe me do it? A change must take place…

Within the span of a day recently, I talked to two of my friends who were feeling burned out. Both felt severely burned out at work. Their managers were asking of them things they did not feel comfortable with. They walked away from the conversations feeling the urge to cry. (These are very highly placed women in their work places.) In addition to work pressure, one had financial pressure from extended family. She did not know how to say “No” or want to say “No.” I shared with them my recent decision to start saying “No” to requests and to set boundaries. I let them know I would no longer allow people to feel entitled, where they knew they could get from me whatever they wanted. It is my emancipation.

I have decided to pay attention to when my body is exhausted: when it says “rest before you do the dishes,” “ask your husband to help you, ” “rest before resuming work,” “call your girlfriends and meet for brunch. ” Yes. I am paying more attention and I am using my voice!!! I refuse to lose myself because of people I love or to lose myself in all the activities of my day, especially as a mother.

Now that I have made this decision and am following through with it, I feel more at peace with the world and myself. And I feel the world is more at peace with me.

I encourage you to love yourself and speak up for yourself too. Do not lose yourself or your sanity to take care of others. Let us give out of overflow, not emptiness.

With love!